The Empowerment of Erotic Dance

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I remember as a child being entranced by strippers. How was it that they had such confidence and control that they could sway into a room and remove clothing while keeping their eyes locked on another human being? It seemed shocking to me that someone could not only display their vulnerability like that but also embrace and claim their own sense of power from it. Fast-forward twenty or so years and stripping and erotic dance are everywhere. From movies to Pussycat Doll Burlesque to cardio striptease and pole dancing classes at the gym. The mainstreaming of erotic dance has occurred and I must say, it doesn’t make a bad Valentine’s gift — not only to your partner but to yourself.

A myth about erotic dance is that it is only for the pleasure of our partner. While it does provide an opportunity to connect with our partner in a whole new way, I believe the person dancing experiences the most benefit. Learning to erotic dance can give us a wealth of information about ourselves. Not just sexually, but about our self-esteem, value system, interpersonal abilities and of course body image. There are many sexually and an emotionally well-adjusted woman out there who’s last Holy Grail is learning to erotic dance. It can give these women an opportunity to look at themselves as powerful erotic beings for the first time in their lives.

Erotic dance is about getting into your own body and this can be no small feat. Look at our day-to-day existences.  We mostly function in our heads. Even when we do physical labor we are so disconnected from what our bodies are actually doing that we do not get any real benefit out of it. Getting into our bodies means paying attention to exactly how it feels to move this part or that. Different emotions can live on a cellular level throughout our bodies and so certain movements may elicit an emotional response. Observing how our mind reacts to certain movements is important too. “I’m comfortable with hip swaying but not with hip thrusts. Why is that?” Learning to examine our responses to the experience is important.

Taking time with ourselves, creating a sexy environment and then watching ourselves move in a mirror is a good way to start. Journaling about these experiences can give us insight. A good way to graduate from watching yourself in the mirror would be to then try a DVD on your own and then moving to a live class. Some women want to surprise their partner with their moves, while others can use their partner as apart of the process to practice connecting. Perhaps beginning a little at a time rather than feeling pressured to do a whole routine. For example, decide to take one moment during the day to make a movement that helps you feel erotically empowered. Your partner walks in the door, you decide to go right up to him or her and wrap one leg around the back of their legs as you kiss them gently. Can you imagine how that must energetically change the mood in a room? And it was all your doing.

Some women are intimidated by the fact that erotic dancing is performance oriented – “Don’t I have to be good?” What they don’t realize is that much more is conveyed and I believe experienced by the dancer if they are connected to themselves emotionally, truly being in their bodies in the moment. The best “performances” I’ve seen are not those with the most acrobatic moves but those that seem the most authentic, that genuinely come from the soul of the woman.

Using erotic dance as a tool to create sexual excitement and please your partner is great but using it to get to know yourself and get comfortable with apart of yourself that you have been denying is magnificent. It’s funny but the more women I see going trough this transformation, the more I realize how much of it they energetically carry into the rest of their lives. Imagine walking into a room knowing you can command everyone there with just your energy. Now that’s empowerment.

 

Q&A: New Year’s Sex Resolution

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Dear Dr. Kat,
I’m a 35 year old married woman in a ten year relationship. It’s gotten to the point where is seems like I’m having the same sex all the time. My husband says he is up for trying something new but I’m not sure where to start, since he probably won’t initiate the changes. Basically, my sex life has hit a wall. How can I expand my horizons (and my husband’s) in the New Year?

New Year’s resolutions are great. They can be a catalyst for alot of positive change — and they can also fizzle out within a month. I get the feeling that maybe you’d like to experiment with a few new tricks while adding some new sexual behaviors to your long term repertoire to keep things fresh. You can do this by doing two things: 1) Figure out where to push the boundaries and where to leave them and 2) Do something, ANYTHING different.

First off, don’t make the mistake of going over board too quickly. For instance, if the both of you know you want to keep things monogamous, I wouldn’t suggest you bringing a third party into bed. Or, if he knows you hate to watch yourself on video, he shouldn’t go videotaping your sex romps without you knowing. However, people tend to find a lot more negotiable in their sex lives than they realized when they start to talk about it with their partners honestly. So, you might begin by planning a special night together with him and bring up the issue over a sexy dinner. I understand that you may need to initiate this first foray into the sexually explorative discussion but sex (usually, unless your masturbating by yourself) is a two way street. Part of what he needs to buy into during this discussion is his own responsibility in this relationship to turn up the heat as well. The issue is not your issue alone.

What you’ll both need to find out is what turn’s you on at the core? What do you respond to sexually without even thinking? And don’t rule out acts that you would consider socially unacceptable – rape fantasies rank among the most common fantasies for women – obviously you’d play this one out within reason. If you can’t think of anything off hand, rent/buy some erotic videos with varying themes and see what your body (and your mind) responds to. This can be a great way for the both of you to get conscious about what gets you off and it can also be a fun way to lead to a little sex play in front of the tellie.

Once you get a few ideas together, talk out the top one or two behaviors that you both seem most interested in. Granted, you both may find you have different erotic interests. But if you both discuss your favorites you can both figure out how far you’re willing to go to fill one another’s fantasy. An example might be that he’d love to try anal sex with you but you’re not into the idea of jumping right in to full penal/anal penetration. Why not then, buy a good lube a couple of non-intimidating anal toys to play with? Decide that you’ll initially only play on the outside of the anus and then maybe (if you’re comfortable) graduate up to finger insertion.

Maybe he’s a control freak but you’ve always wanted to tie him up and experiment with a little S&M. Negotiate what his limits are. There are many accoutrements now that allow for “light” S&M play; satiny sashes that don’t tie too tightly and soft, playful whips. Just be sure you both decide on a “safe word” that let’s you each know when you’re seriously done playing – many people like to say “no” or “don’t” as apart of the sex play. A safe word should be a word not normally used during sex…perhaps something as random as “kumquat” or “constellation”.

As mentioned the whole point is to do anything different. So, whether it’s even having sex in different rooms of your house or deciding to have regular sex dates – it doesn’t have to be a profound change – just a change. Some changes may stick and others may not but the point is you’re both making an effort to preserve the health of your sexual relationship. The fun part may just be in trying something new, even if it doesn’t work out. In fact, every New Year you may want to sit down with your partner and have your ritual dinner to come up with a kinky thing or two to do to keep each year as fresh as your first year together.

Q&A: Never had an orgasm during penetration

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Dear Dr. Kat,

 

 I have never experienced an orgasm during
penetration without me doing clitoral stimulation myself. I have a very high
level of sex drive, and reaching an orgasm during sex or masturbation has never
been a problem for me. But the problem is that I feel that I am addicted to
clitoral stimulation. Is there any way I can get an orgasm during sex without
me touching myself? How can I improve my chances of getting an orgasm only by
virtue of vaginal stimulation with my boyfriend?

 

Thank you very much,

Tina

 




Dear Tina,

 

The fact that you are orgasmic with clitoral stimulation is great! Most women
are not orgasmic during penetrative intercourse without clitoral stimulation.
In our culture there is this mistaken value that a vaginal orgasm is somehow
better. This simply isn’t true. While some women happen to have vaginal orgasms
(as a result of cervical or G-Spot stimulation — or they think they are having
vaginal orgasms when actually their partner may simply be coming in more
contact with their clitoris than they realize), there is no difference in
value. While experimenting is great (perhaps try positions that involve more
cervical stimulation or G-Spot attention), one type of orgasm is not considered
better than another.

 

I would suggest that while
experimenting, don’t forget to give your clitoris the attention it deserves. If
this is your tried and true method to orgasm, I would not abandon it. Maybe try
a sex toy like Adam and Eve’s Couples Enhancer Ring http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/cock-rings/sp-adam-eve-couples-enhancer-ring-14055.aspx
which your male partner can wear over his penis (very pleasurable for him too)
while providing you with more clitoral stimulation.

You also use the term that you
think you’re “addicted” to clitoral stimulation. I find this highly
unlikely. Unless you are consumed with masturbating clitorally so much that it
interferes with your ability to function in the world, I would just say that
you have a high preference for clitoral stimulation.

 

Sincerely,

Dr. Kat

Dr. Kat on National TV

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That’s right, you can count every enlarged pore of mine on HDTV if you’d like — while watching me talk about sex toys and relationships. There are two shows to watch out for: Adam and Eve Talk and Adam and Eve At Home. Here are the listings:
Spike TV @ 5:30am on 10/18, Direct TV channel 227 @ 3:30am 10/31, 11/01, 11/03, Time Warner ShopZeal1 channel @ once each hour from 12am-5am 10/19-10/23.
Tune in and enjoy either your late night cocktail or early morning cocktail with me and a few dildos. I mean actual dildos, everyone I worked with on cast and crew were fabulous.

Why Women Sex It Up On Halloween

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Excerpted from an article I am quoted in by Nicholas Pell.

• Why do women dress so provocatively on Halloween? Why not other days?
“Halloween is usually the one time a year that people feel they have permission to either be someone else or play up a side of their personality they are usually inhibited about. I believe that women in particular repress much of their sexuality. There is just too much pressure to conform the rest of the year. So when given the chance to dress provocatively with less judgment on Halloween, they do.” – Dr. Kat
• Why things like “sexy referee” and “sexy cab driver” — why not stick to things that are actually sexy?
“I think these women are looking for a variety of ways to express themselves sexually, especially by taking traditionally masculine roles/costumes and putting a sensual twist on them.” – Dr. Kat
• What, if anything, does a costume choice tell us about women?
“A costume on its own doesn’t give a whole lot of insight into the inner workings of anyone. But it can give you a taste of a lurking streak or interest in any given woman. It may not be the costume so much as the way a woman wears it. Is she confident and comfortable in it? Or shy and seemingly embarrassed by what she is wearing? Also, you have to weigh her personality into the equation. Does she have a flair for irreverence? After all, not all women dressed as a dominatrix actually has any interest in S&M. Be careful what you assume.” – Dr. Kat

Read the full article here…

The Sex Prescription: Orgasms as Pain Relief

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At some time in all our lives most of us will struggle with chronic pain, whether it has to do with degenerative diseases, cancer, or auto-immune issues like fibromyalgia or lupus.  It may not be an experience that we can escape from. Yes, we are all living longer but that often entails more aches and pains as we all move towards old age. Pain management has in fact become its own medical specialty.

Luckily, we are becoming more and more aware of natural ways to deal with chronic pain issues. We now have the option of acupuncture/pressure, yoga modalities, meditation, herbs and supplements, and sex. Did you read that right? Yes, you did: sex. A natural assumption might be, “But isn’t sex something most of us want avoid if we are in pain?” Sex is usually one of the first things to get thrown out with the bath water when we aren’t feeling well. But, surprise! There are actually healing qualities to sex that we may want to utilize in our pain management. Plus, you can’t get more natural than orgasm.

Dr. Barry Komisaruk, co-author on The Science of Orgasm, has conducted research on this specific issue.  He has found that vaginal mechanical stimulation in rats produced a very strong pain-blocking effect, which was stronger than 10 milligrams of morphine per kilogram of body weight.

He discovered that pressure on the G-Spot elevated pain thresholds by over 47 percent and pleasurable stimulation increased it by more than 80 percent. In fact, the overall pain thresholds of women went up by more than 108 percent. Interestingly, there was no change in touch thresholds, which means this phenomenon is not a distracter, and it’s not an anesthetic. It’s an analgesic which means that vaginal/clitoral stimulation alleviates pain.

The pain relief from sex/orgasm may not be long-term, but it can offer a nice reprieve. And there other potential benefits. The mix of healthy hormones released upon stimulation and orgasm only does the body good.  This includes oxytocin and endorphins. One could also presuppose that intimate partner relationships would be enhanced through these sexual bonding exercises while struggling with an inherently stressful life situation such as chronic pain. In addition, the after effects of sex can lead to increased levels of relaxation and a sense of well-being. It should be noted that a profound sense of empowerment may be garnered about one’s ability to treat chronic pain on one’s own–through touch alone.

Even sex without orgasm allows endorphins to ease pain and relax the body so that sleep becomes easier. It might be challenging for a person to have interest in sex when dealing with chronic pain, but if one can prioritize some sort of intimate contact with one’s partner or simply find time to masturbate on a regular basis, there are many ways in which pain can be relieved. Sex and orgasm is medicinal–gone a day might keep at least some of the pain away.

http://www.naturalsolutionsmag.com/blog/orgasm/sex-prescription

Female Ejaculation: How to get your partner into your fantasy

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Dr. Kat,
“How do you approach your wife, lover, sexual partner to discuss your fantasy about female ejaculation and how you want them to experience it?”

 Hi Philip,

 Female ejaculation or squirting as some call it is one of the main questions I get asked through my practice and the media. How do you do it? How do you control the amount of fluid ejaculated? Lots of men and women fantasize about squirting. Here’s the general 411…Female ejaculation can occur through the stimulation of the G-Spot. All women have G-Spots but not all women ejaculate. The G-Spot is a bundle of nerve tissue about two inches into the vagina on the upper wall. You can find it by inserting your fingers and making a hook shape. The fluid also comes from the gland.

Now there has been some conjecture about what the fluid is actually made of. What we do know, is that it is not urine or merely your same old vaginal discharge. Nope. It has been shown to contain elevated levels of two proteins, prostate-specific antigen (PSA) and prostate-specific acid phosphatase (PSAP). PSA and PSAP are found in male ejaculate and come from the prostate.  Most male/female anatomy share equivalents of one another (think, clitoris/glans, testicles/ovaries) and this may indicate that women have something akin to a prostate.  It’s been suggested that the paraurethral glands, which run parallel to the urethra, are the “female prostate.” Orgasm may cause these glands to empty out.

Now that we’ve established what the heck the G-Spot is and what the fluid may be let’s talk about stimulation shall we? Vigorous stimulation of the spot with a firm object tends to be what leads to a G-Spot orgasm. Fingers or penises are fine but many women find more success by using a sex toy specially designed for the job.  Check these out:

G-Gasm Delight

http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/vibrators/g-spot-vibrators/sp-g-gasm-delight-g-spot-vibrator-9825.aspx

Silky Stud

http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/vibrators/g-spot-vibrators/sp-silky-stud-vibrator-14125.aspx

Lucid Dream #14

http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/vibrators/g-spot-vibrators/sp-lucid-dream-g-spot-vibrator-10585.aspx

Some women may also experience an urgency to urinate once they begin to stimulate the G-Spot. This is a common sensation. I suggest to most women to just relax through the sensation as continued stimulation should eventually lead to a G-Spot orgasm and not their urinating without control.

A good way to bring your fantasy up is by incorporating some dirty talk into your sex play. For instance, tell her you’d like her to come all over you or you want to watch her squirt/orgasm. There are also plenty of squirting videos out there. If she’s open to it you might want to talk about how it turns you and watch one of these while having sex. Finally, purchase a G-Spot toy for her like one of the above. Tell her, you’ve heard of a new way to give her pleasure and you’d like her to relax and let you do all the work.

As stated, almost all women have the capacity for a G-Spot orgasm; some may or may not ejaculate. If your partner does ejaculate it may be from less than a teaspoon of liquid to more than a cup. When asked, most women say these orgasms have a different feel to them versus clitoral or vaginal orgasms — they can actually be more intense. I do not know of any way to increase or decrease the amount of fluid expelled. It is what it is, Philip. So, if your partner doesn’t ejaculate please don’t be disappointed. Whether she ejaculates or not, it leads to a really fabulous orgasm and that’s all that matters.

Sincerely,

Dr. Kat

Q&A: “Smart Sex Toy Storage” or “How to Avoid a Premature Sex Toy Death”

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Q: Dr. Kat,

“What’s the best way to store sex toys? Right now I keep my vibrator in its original clunky plastic packaging, but I was wondering if there were products out there marketed toward storage and protection of sex toys and which are the best ones to use?” Thanks, Dr. Kat and Ross! Keep up the great podcast, love the show!

Thanks, Gina

A: Hi Gina,

Thanks for your fabulous question. This is an often overlooked issue for even those of us who have a treasure trove of sex toys and paraphernalia. We figure we can just order our toy and throw them in a night stand or a crusty cardboard box under the bed, right. Ewe. But if we want to protect our investments and make sure our toys keep on giving for as long as possible, then the cleaning and storage of them is paramount.

First of all, figure out what each toy is made of material-wise. Is it silicone? Rubber? Acrylic? Jelly? Some material like cyber-flesh has special instructions and need to be bone dry (pun intended) and sprinkled with cornstarch for storing.

Regardless, I like to be sure that none of my toys are touching skin to skin when I put them away because some materials react off of one another and well, let’s just say that can leave you with quite an alien looking gizmo the next time you reach for it. Once you use your toy, please wash it right away. Putting it away with even a little smeg is not healthy for anyone and it can be bad for the toy in the long run. Again, wash your toy depending on the material. Or if you want to be safe in all instances, just use this specially designed toy cleaner that works like a charm on all materials:

Adam & Eve Essentials Toy Cleaner http://www.adameve.com/sexy-extras/accessories/sp-adam-eve-essentials-toy-cleaner-13914.aspx

Next remove your batteries if applicable. I suggest keeping them adjacent so it’s convenient but not in the toy itself. This avoids accidental turn ons (you know, that strange buzzing in your room that you can’t figure out where it’s coming from?) and potential corrosion. Treat your toys like you do your herbs. Keep them in a cool, dry and dark place. I always suggest making sure you keep some condoms near them for play with friends. Always be prepared.

Worst case scenario, some toys can be wrapped in plastic wrap for storage. But there are many much better options designed just for the issue at hand. Check out the line of Sugar Saks. They are anti-microbial and perfect for storing individual vibes and dildos.

Sugar Sak – Xl http://www.adameve.com/sp-sugar-sak-xl-12868.aspx

If you have more than a couple of toys — and truly why wouldn’t you? I suggest getting a proper toy box. This one is even lockable so your nosy roommate can’t have her way with your goodies:

Toibocks Toy Chest http://www.adameve.com/sexy-extras/accessories/sp-toy-chest-large-12061.aspx

Looking for a toy box that can blend in on top of a dresser? One that only opens via a secret mechanism? How about once it’s open it still looks like an unassuming jewelry box thanks to its upper level compartment? Well, meet the Clark Kent of sex toy storage boxes. Quite nifty:

Toibocks Toy Storage http://www.adameve.com/sexy-extras/accessories/sp-toibocks-toy-storage-14899.aspx

Some people complain that their sex toys just don’t last long enough and yes, every sex toy does have a lifespan of it’s own, but many times our toys end up in the toy graveyard because of the way we have or haven’t treated them. Consider these tips as a nice life insurance policy on your well loved erotic equipment.

Sincerely,

Dr. Kat

STI Free Down and Dirty College Sex

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Excerpted from an interview I did with College Magazine:

Q: Condoms are highly effective in preventing (but don’t guarantee the prevention of )the transmission of HIV. However, condoms are not as powerful against STIs that are primarily transmitted through contact with the infected skin area. What measures do you suggest students take when engaging in a sexually active lifestyle with multiple partners?

A:”Everyone who is sexually active needs to stay conscious about STI/HIV transmission, no matter who they are with. Condoms and regular testing are not a cure all. There are several STIs that are transmittable simply by skin to skin contact (this includes herpes and HPV — neither of which is curable. Nor is there a conclusive test for either until you have contracted it). Sex should be fun but it’s no fun after the fact when you have to deal with negative consequences. When engaging in sex with multiple partners always use a dental dam (or plastic wrap) during female oral sex and a condom during male oral sex. There are even flavored versions of these products now. I very much like the female condom for both vaginal and anal sex (men can use it too), as it protects more surface area around the opening.” — Dr. Kat

Q: Other than the use of regular condoms and clinical tests, what other measures can students take to make ensure their sexual health?

A: “Choose as wisely as you can when it comes to sex partners. Granted, you’ll never know someones complete sex history but you’ll probably have some idea who is making the rounds more than others. Also, make sure you examine your motives for sex. Is it out of low self esteem, avoidance of emotional intimacy, or just to numb out? These are all less healthy reasons to have sex. Make sure you are making the decision to have sex with someone while you are clear headed. You can’t make a good decision if you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. In addition, there are plenty of outcourse options to enjoy before you move on to penetration: mutual masturbation, dry humping, kissing, oral sex, and sex toy play are just a few ideas.” — Dr. Kat

Q: How do you suggest people approach the awkward conversation of “have you been tested recently, are you ‘clean’ “; with new partners?

A: “It’s your responsibility as an adult and sexual being to have this conversation with everyone you choose to have sex with. So you may as well get good at it. It’s always best to establish good rapport ahead of time, so get comfortable talking to new partners first. Then you can broach the topic in a couple of different ways, either directly, by saying something like, ‘I’m really attracted to you and want to take this to the next level but how do you feel about safer sex and STI testing?” Or look for an opportunity to broach the topic using the media. ‘Did you see the STI scare on Real World last week? That sucked. How can we avoid that?’ Even tests are not completely accurate for the 10-14 days prior to testing, so you can’t rely upon them completely. Make sure when you talk testing, you talk safer sex too.” — Dr. Kat 

Most Adults Prefer Having Sex on Weekends

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HILLSBOROUGH, N.C., June 8, 2011 /PRNewswire/ — Adam & Eve and AdamAndEve.com, (http://adamandeve.com/news), America’s most trusted source for adult products, are not afraid to ask the hard questions when it comes to all things sexual. This month’s “Great American Sex Survey” asked 1,000 adults which days they prefer to “get busy!”

While it’s not surprising that most adults choose weekends for sex (with 30% of respondents preferring Saturday, 22% preferring Friday and 20% Sunday), the next highest day for sex was Wednesday, or “hump day” (with 14% favoring it).

Resident sex expert, Dr. Kat Van Kirk, says, “Less structured time on the weekends can definitely lead to more sex. That physical and emotional bonding time is imperative for couples to stay connected in regards to their overall relationships.” When it comes to mid-week sex, Dr. Kat says, “It’s a long schlep Monday through Friday. ‘Hump Day’ is a good reminder (even in name), that we can always use a little sexual boost without having to wait for the weekend. It may also have to do with our biorhythms… Wednesday is about equal time to/from the weekend and it may be when our bodies crave sex the most.”

Of the remaining numbers polled, 13% replied they choose to have their “sexy time” on Mondays and Thursdays and 12% chose Tuesdays as their day for lovemaking. Interestingly, a whopping 65% of all respondents said they have no preference when it comes to which day they choose to have sex.

Chad Davis, Marketing Director for Adam & Eve, adds, “When it comes to sex, most American adults are happy to make time in their busy schedules. Adam & Eve offers many products to enhance the experience… whether it’s a stolen weekday afternoon or an entire romantic weekend.”

The web-based survey, conducted by an independent third party survey company, of over 1,000 American adults age 18 and up, was sponsored by Adam & Eve to study sexual preferences and practices. “Sex Chat with Dr. Kat” can be found on podcasts through iTunes or www.drkat .com.

For more information about Adam & Eve, visit their website at http://www.adamandeve.com/news. For additional information on Adam & Eve, please contact Adam & Eve Director of Public Relations Katy Zvolerin at 919.644.8100 x 3121 or katy@adameve.com.

SOURCE Adam & Eve

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